Sitting inside the room still and unmoving clinging on to books preparing for the elusive perfection to answer with precision to something that is inherently chaotic, sometimes random and utterly perplexing, I am thinking... Thinking hard 'mind you' to understand how a family of indifference curves describe my preferences, how the market behaves and signals to keep off the low productive workforce, and how I have discovered fortunately or unfortunately that I belong to a class of low productive workers(output/input ratio hinges on the other side of zero). Among all this I sit inside my room silent and still 'slowly and slowly' giving up the future course of my actions in the hands of fate.
But 'mind you' this stillness starts speaking, I start listening to my own head, after a really long time. It aches for freedom, freedom not to think about competition or stress but of being myself and appreciating things, freedom of sitting in this wonderful place with a mug of hot soup and a book to amuse myself, freedom to visit the beach again and give myself to the waves of the sea.
I sit inside my room silent and still but the silence speaks to me in a hundred voices - the financial markets crumbling like a pack of cards, the next paper to come, the blasts in the other part of the country. The silence is then broken by a bang on the door, a call for lunch by a friend, and I happily go amidst activity again. But I am thinking.... preoccupying myself with this clamour of silence.
"Man goes into the noisy crowd to drown his own clamour of silence."
‘Stray Birds’ (1916) Rabindranath Tagore
The question of caste put forth by the nutty prof, surely hit many in the face. We have grown in a society which was not open to inquiry at times and many things were explained to us during the course of our development as if they were for granted. Almost all of us knew about the existence of the caste system in the country, its history and the scientific explanation provided by the fascists of a past generation that still has its impact over the youth of that generation and through them in a sense percolated to the youth of this generation.
The youth is the phase when our impressions are formulated and we develop a point of view of the world. A majority of us is too lazy or should I say too caught up in existential issues that they do not challenge the beliefs and customs which are now so deeply embedded into their very nature. By carrying out this great conditioning of the mind the society ensures that conformity is maintained. Though these issues may raise their hood through the vagaries of some concerned or perturbed soul, and influence us into questioning our very own self as to the nature of the whole system, we so conveniently forget about them over time. These issues are now so embedded into the fabric of the system that nothing but a great reorganization is required to strike at its roots and nip it at the bud.
We sometimes fight over issues like reservation- whether they should happen or not, whether merit is the criteria for education. Issues like the skewed distribution of wealth in a capitalist society and how it rots and eats away the society making its hedonist coefficient increase exponentially over time. How a communist society is also not an answer to the problem because of its inherent fallacies. Why in a society like ours where the bulk of the population is reeling in the throes of poverty we find time only for cricket and cinema. Why whatever we do adds to the chaos and our reluctance to find a solution just simmers this chaos under the garb of peaceful existence. I wonder whether this is just a lull before the storm.
History has taught us the implications of forcing a man or a group to its tipping point. Perhaps the tipping point is not that far away...
The night has extended into that hour when I am hoping that sleep does not impede me from doing what I must. The day was long and was mostly spent in doing what we had to do by compulsion. It sometimes seems so intriguing how futile somethings can get. The subjugation of the individual will, the necessity of doing that which you do not want to but are forced to by compulsion. Putting up with something that you do not understand and ask stupid questions which lead your intelligence nowhere, when learning is not the focal point and mere numbers that which count.
I wonder how the very elected representatives roam around giving instructions to keep quiet like we were a bunch of stupid school children. I wonder again how stupid does that make them who are elected by us stupids. Communication of essential manners to the intelligentsia of the nation makes me think: if we are to be told how to behave in front of a distinguished presence do we deserve to be in a place where we find ourselves.
Reminding of the value of motivation and hard work seems so mind numbing when you have a bunch of the so called chosen members telling you what is good for you especially after you have taken those pains of subjecting yourself to the discipline that made you reach to the place you find yourself in. I agree that this might lead to a no show. But that is exactly my point, if you do not have an inclinaton towards something why should you be subjected to carry that task out. A better way could be to identify individuals who are voluntarily willing to participate in such events and derive some real benefit out of the discourse.
I sometimes feel like the real person inside me has nothing special to offer to the world. I sometimes feel that the whole point of my being where I am is not to prove my intelligence or that I am better or worse than anybody. If each one is special how can the same evaluation scheme be justified for alike. The purpose of my life is not to sell some stupid brand to some more stupider buyer who cannot even decide by himself his tastes and preferences and has to be communicated that. More such machines are getting programmed to serve the capitalist system, as our dear nutty prof would put it makes me think of the relevance of the time I spend here. I don't want to be someone who the system is proud of and looks up to. I am what I am and want to live so that I don't have any regrets when my time comes...
