There are moments in life when we do not want the time to pass away. When the sweet poison trickles down the spine and paralyzes the whole body leaving the eyes fixed on that very object that is the whole existence there is not much left to be done. I don't know whether the pain of waiting for this state every day overshadows the pain of this state getting over. But that moment freezes in time when she looks back at you looking at her. May be she is thinking that a crazy guy is after her like so many others before him. Maybe he is stupid that he stays happy in just having the privilege to view her, never taking a step forward to start socializing. But the very fact that she is the whole existence to him while he watches her in amazement is not something she appreciates presently. Perhaps she will when he lets her know or may be she never will...

The penultimate term is about to commence but I do not feel the alacrity anymore which was till now associated with beginnings. It is more of a question of going through the motions, wishing it will not be more of a pain than the last term.
Reflecting on my journey so far I think I've learned a lot. I made some really good friends, learned loads from them, lost quite a few, and then made friends with them again. It began as a journey where I thought I had reached my destination but I guess it wasnt to be. The illusion was short lived and the times made me realize that this was just the beginning of my life. Somehow my life has always been a struggle for proving myself. But now I feel that that was all senseless. There is nothing to prove to anybody. People do not understand things the way they feel they do. They think themselves to be wise and this vainglorious wisdom oftimes leads them to false shores of conclusion. The fault with too much of anything lies in making our vision too narrow. We think that whatever we know and our conclusions based on them are the final word. Perhaps there are very simple things in life we still dont know about but too much of wisdom has the quality of making people more confident about themselves than is the safety limit.
Another thing I would take from this place is that nothing is sacrosanct anymore - anybody can falter, so guess this is my goodbye to idol worshipping. We make too much of a hullabaloo over people's abilities. We are all human and bound by the same forces as any other being and are subject to the same follies.
Now that I am nearing graduation I dont know what to make of my life. Whether I would like to spend it like so many generations before me - finding a job, marrying, having kids, turning old or I would like my life to be different. I dont know if it can be different at all, or whether different is good or bad. May be I'll also have wisdom some day, but the fact is that I am not looking forward to it.

Well I have recently been procrastinating and was loving it quite a bit, when a very good friend tagged me (here) into breaking my hibernation. Well as a very passive blogger that I have become(was an active one for a very brief period) I was reminded of my duties towards the clan. Though the idea first sounded like a drag but now that I have given it a thought it seems a very good idea to break out of the monotony of watching the same movies over and over again. Well the tag has put me in a bit of a quandary, I always thought that I was well read and all, but looking back it seems that counting 15 books that I have read will be a pretty hard exercise. But what the heck lets begin in a chronological order:

1.The Magic Faraway Tree - A masterpiece from Enid Blyton, the book was my introduction to the world of fantasies, and boy its been a journey from then on. I liked the book for its imagery that appealed to me as a 12 year old and can still recall pieces from the book.

2. The Treasure Island, Moby Dick - I am clubbing these two since they must have been read by all and I needn't say more on them.

3. The Man Who Knew Infinity - Robert Kanigel's biography of Srinivas Ramanujan, the book was gifted by my uncle and it got me hooked straight away. The book is a take on the genius and the tragedy that his life was. The book is especially wonderful as it relates the man with his mathematics unlike some of the works on the mathematician by Indian biographers.

4. The Bhagavad Gita - Though I dont know much of sanskrit I started with the book on my own reading an english translation with commentary by Swami Chidbhavananda. I found the explanations very lucid and being exposed ot philosophical thought presented in the book was in a way mind opening.

5. The Ashtavakra Mahagita - Ashtavakra was an ancient Indian saint known for his dialogue with King Janak. This dialogue is recorded in the book Ashtavakra Samhita. Ashtavakra Mahagita is a commentary on the book by Rajneesh "Osho". More than the philosophy presented, I liked Osho's way of interpreting things and then explaining them in simple words. I got so much into the book that I was reading it during my board examinations and my father had to scold me into abandoning it.

6. Short Stories by Leo Tolstoy - I read a Hindi translation by Jainendra Kumar Jain. Tolstoy is a master storyteller, which I discovered rather late in standard XI. The stories had a folk tale(ish) appeal in them, being both fun and didactic at the same time.

7. The Alchemist - Again a very famous book. I presume everyone knows about it. For me the book represented something that I had recently lost: The charm of life. Having spend the better part of my plus two reading academic stuff to qualify entrances which was a total drag for me, I had lost the charm and the mystery of life. I guess reading a literary work after a long time gave me my peace of mind. This was in the beginning of my first year B.Tech.

8. Siddhartha - This book by Herman Hesse seems very flimsy to look at just a 125 odd pages, but I found it to be a book of beauty and depth. I had never read western authors writing about oriental philosophy and so the book was again an eye opener as the author captures beautifully the struggle for peace of mind and the ultimate question : Whats the purpose of Life.

9. The Prisoner of Azkaban - The third book in the Harry Potter series was the first one that I read. After seeing the first two movies the book seemed to be shouting in my face to read it. What more can I say - I was reintroduced to my lost world of fantasies :).

10. The Hades Factor - This book by Robert Ludlum kick started my journey into the thrillers. The various demonic plots and the quest to save the world from the evil plans of the nexus between power hungry politicians and greedy corporates. That sounds fun doesn't it.

11. The Godfather - Boy O boy. The Italian mafia seemed like a genuine career option ;)after this.

12. The Fountainhead - Ayn Rand had me hooked for the better part of the day every day for about a week(finishing the book in a jiffy did not seem to be a very exciting idea). Sitting in the class room I used to think about Howard Roark comparing myself with Peter Keating and Howard Roark. Well it was an awesome read.

13. The Pygmalion - George Bernard Shaw's portrayal of the English Society and the heart warming transformation of the hackneyed flower girl Eliza Doolittle was a treat to read.

14. Its Not About the Bike - Lance Armstrong the seven time Tour de France winner after surviving testicular cancer writes in the book why it wasnt about the bike. His roller coaster ride from being the most promising cyclist in the world to almost dying of cancer to winning the toughest race in the world is an inspiring account of both courage and character.

15. A Beautiful Mind - The book by Sylvia Nasar occupied my shelf only after having seen the movie. But reading it I found that the movie was not even an honest synopsis of the book (as is the fate of most of the movies based on novels). The eccentric John Nash was someone to be worshipped, for his mathematical genius, and hated for his antics at the same time. The ending brought a certain sense of pity for the man, who was rattled by schizophrenia.

A few of the other books of note that I've read are : the whole of the Harry Potter series, The Dan Brown Thrillers (Da vinci Code, Digital Fortress and Angels and Demons), Richard Bach's Jonathan Livingstone Seagull, Eleven Minutes by Paulo Coelho, The Sicillian, The Negotiator by Frederick Forsyth, The Light of Asia by Edwin Arnold, etc. There is no other reason why one of these books does not figure in my list of 15 other than the limit on the number of books.

When nothing matters more than the one person you hanker for, the pain boils up inside and keeps simmering till you vent it. But venting it is the most difficult part when the object of your longing does not know that it is the one been longed for. How do you achieve relief? When all your life you have been running, chasing others dreams why the self falters when the time comes to chase some of your very own. When all your dreams are filled by that object of longing and each passing moment brings with it more agony, more pain, you wish you were more practical, more worldly and did not show this craving that becomes so visible. But then the sweet poison trickles down a little deeper and you dont care whether people know about it or not. May be the pain will die its own natural death falling prey to the vicissitudes that plague the mind, it may as well live on, never coming out in the open but taking roots inside the self. Whatever happens the soul will suffer. May be the suffering is good and the poison helps us touch a part of us which was invisible otherwise.

The third term is coming to a close. This term has been a rather bumpy ride. Started well with the general enthusiasm after all of us came back from the vacations. Had a lot to look forward to but guess this is the folly with time, you can never predict what lies in store for you, however much you may try. Having been dissapointed when things dont work out the way you want them to and how circumstances build themselves up to leave you in positions where you would not want yourself to be in, I have given up on predictions and expectations from the future. I have now given myself to the philosophy that whatever happens, happens for good and whatever will happen is not under my control so why give it a damn. This has brought enormous peace and I guess to let go of the illusion of control over our environment is the beginning of finding peace within our very own selves. We try hard to control things, and then get affected by them in turn, become happy when they work out well (and attribute it to our efforts which by the way leads us into believing that if we make similar efforts the result will be similar again), and become sad when they turn out differently. I do not mean to say that this gives us a reason to sit back and not to make an effort. Nobody can afford to sit back. But giving up that sense of control and revelling in the task rather than the result is what drives me now. The task should be well performed because that is the most we can control.The results are but treacherous, they lead us to self deception and false notions.
All said and done it is a time to bid adieu to my abode on the hills once more, this time for full two months. Have grown irritated, frustrated and tired of this place but then will miss it too. That hustle and bustle of the city with its crowds, traffic, pollution and noise, and getting back to work once again does not seem to be a very welcoming idea. Nonetheless am excited about visiting my family and want to make most of this time.

Ciao Kozhikode. Till we meet again.

मनो बुद्धि अहंकार चित्त निनाहम
न च स्रोत्र जिह्वे न च घ्राण नेत्रे
न च व्योम भूमिर न तेजो न वायु
चिदानन्दा रूपा शिवोहम शिवोहम
न च प्राण संग्यो न वै पंच वायु
न वा सप्तधातुर न वा पंच कोशः
न वक् पानी पादौ न चोपस्थ पायु
चिदानंदा रूपा शिवोहम शिवोहम

न में द्वेष रागौ न में ळोभ मोहौ
मदो नैव में नैव मत्सर्य भवः
न धर्मो न चार्थो न कामो न मोक्षः
चिदानंदा रूपा शिवोहम शिवोहम

न पुण्यं न पापं न सुख्यं न दुखं
न मंत्रो न तीर्थं न वेदो न यज्ञः
अहं भोजनं नैव भोज्यं न भोक्ता
चिदानंदा रूपा शिवोहम शिवोहम

न में मृत्यु शंका न में जाति भेदः
पिता नैव में नैव माता न जन्मा
न बन्धुर न मित्रं गुरुर नैव शिष्यः
चिदानंदा रूपा शिवोहम शिवोहम

अहं निर्विकल्पो निराकार रूपः
विभुर व्याप्य सर्वत्र सर्वेंद्रियानाम
सदा में समत्वं न मुक्तिर न बन्धः
चिदानंदा रूपा शिवोहम शिवोहम

Explanation:

I am not mind, nor intellect, nor ego,
nor the reflections of inner self (chitta).
I am not the five senses.
I am beyond that.
I am not the ether, nor the earth,
nor the fire, nor the wind (the five elements).
I am indeed,
That eternal knowing and bliss, Shiva,
love and pure consciousness.

Neither can I be termed as energy (prana),
nor five types of breath (vayus),
nor the seven material essences,
nor the five coverings (pancha-kosha).
Neither am I the five instruments of elimination,
procreation, motion, grasping, or speaking.
I am indeed,
That eternal knowing and bliss, Shiva,
love and pure consciousness.

I have no hatred or dislike,
nor affiliation or liking,
nor greed,
nor delusion,
nor pride or haughtiness,
nor feelings of envy or jealousy.
I have no duty (dharma),
nor any money,
nor any desire (kama),
nor even liberation (moksha).
I am indeed,
That eternal knowing and bliss, Shiva,
love and pure consciousness.

I have neither merit (virtue),
nor demerit (vice).
I do not commit sins or good deeds,
nor have happiness or sorrow,
pain or pleasure.
I do not need mantras, holy places,
scriptures (Vedas), rituals or sacrifices (yagnas).
I am none of the triad of
the observer or one who experiences,
the process of observing or experiencing,
or any object being observed or experienced.
I am indeed,
That eternal knowing and bliss, Shiva,
love and pure consciousness.

I do not have fear of death,
as I do not have death.
I have no separation from my true self,
no doubt about my existence,
nor have I discrimination on the basis of birth.
I have no father or mother,
nor did I have a birth.
I am not the relative,
nor the friend,
nor the guru,
nor the disciple.
I am indeed,
That eternal knowing and bliss, Shiva,
love and pure consciousness.

I am all pervasive.
I am without any attributes,
and without any form.
I have neither attachment to the world,
nor to liberation (mukti).
I have no wishes for anything
because I am everything,
everywhere,
every time,
always in equilibrium.
I am indeed,
That eternal knowing and bliss, Shiva,
love and pure consciousness.

- Adi Shankaracharya

P.S.: This is neither a religious post, nor does it say anything about my loyalties to any particular school of thought or philosophy. Posting it just because I liked the essence of the verse.

The leaf had mostly known other leaves who were commensurate with her ways of living. Though leaving home, she never gave a thought to what adjustments and compromises she would have to make in order to survive in the world outside. Giving no thought to any of the so called realities, she plunged into the world. She was very vulnerable to begin with. There were many beasts who looked for leaves to graze. None cared if they trampled the leaf, for it was an insignificant part in the scheme of things and people just did not care. Gradually she adapted herself to the ways of the world, reconciled to the fact that it was not for her to change the world, she was there just to learn and to know. It was her decision to leave the safe sanctuary of the tree and venture into territory unknown. She was not cribbing about this nor did she feel any remorse at her decision. She was thankful that she came out from that protective environment because otherwise she would have withered away before the spring like the rest of them, like the myriad others before her, who fell from the tree and disappeared into the dusty earth below. She was thankful that she would not meet with similar fate. Yes she will go down into the same dust but before going down she would have seen far more than all those others who were too afraid to take the plunge. She smiled to herself at the thought of this.
She thought about her friends back at the tree. How much she longed to describe her experiences to them, to share those numerous new feelings that she had gone through, those beautiful places she had seen. But at the same time she also felt sad about her friends that they could not get to see these wonderful things, and perhaps fate may not be kind enough to let them meet again in this transient existence of theirs, and they will be bereft of all those experiences. With these mixed feelings clouding her imagination she moved on...

to be contd.

A leaf broke from the tree. It floated for sometime in the air, close to the tree. The breeze slowly took it away from the cool shade of the tree to the perils of the world that lied outside the tree. The leaf had known many friends. While on the tree she had met many other leaves just like her. They thought the same thoughts, dreamt the same dreams, and when they spoke to each other it was like talking to the soul, like when you sit all by yourself and ruminate all absorbed in your thoughts, though they were many but they were the same, realized the leaf. True friends they were. But time is not always the same. It changes. With it changed the leaves as well. They grew older by the day. The beautiful moments spent with them while young were treasures she would cherish for life and those impressions etched into the leaf's memory were etched forever. Perhaps these will come in handy when my days become bleary and life does not offer me the same gifts that it has always bestowed upon me, spoiling me, thought the leaf. The other leaves had asked her to stay for a while longer, so that they can talk a bit more and revive the memories of those old times. But she left during the night when the sheet of slumber covered the others. The tree had always guarded her against the hard sun, gave her the life sap that sustained her. She knew that once separated she would not live long. She might also not travel too far, it was too dangerous and unpredictable. But she left nonetheless. The charm of seeing things unknown appealed to her more than the safety and security of the tree and the friendship, that made her stay on the tree worthwhile...

To be continued.