mujh se pehli si mohabbat meray mehbub na maang
Don't ask me for the love I once gave you, my love

mein ne samjha tha kay tu hai to darakhshaan hai hayaat
I had thought if I had you, life would shine eternally on me
tera gham hai to gham-e-dahar ka jhagdra kya hai
If I had your sorrows, those of the universe would mean nothing
teri surat se hai aalam mein bahaaron ko sabaat
Your face would bring permanence to every spring
teri aankhon ke sivaa duniya mein rakkha kya hai
What is there but your eyes to see in the world anyway

tu jo mil jaaye to taqdir niguun ho jaaye
If I found you, my fate would bow down to me

yun na tha mein ne faqat chahaa tha yun ho jaaye
This was not how it was, it was merely how I wished it to be
aur bhii dukh hain zamaane mein mohabbat ke sivaa
There are other heartaches in the world than those of love
raahaten aur bhi vasl ki raahat ke sivaa
There is happiness other than the joy of union
anaginat sadiyon ki taarik bahimanaa talism
The dreadful magic of uncountable dark years
resham-o-atalas-o-kamkhvaab mein bunavaaye huye
Woven in silk, satin and brocade
jaa-ba-jaa bikate huye kuuchaa-o-baazaar mein jism
In every corner are bodies sold in the market
khaak mein lithade huye khuun mein nahalaaye huye
Covered in dust, bathed in blood

jism nikale huye amaraaz ke tannuuron se
Bodies retrieved from the cauldrons of disease
piip bahatii hu_ii galate huye naasuuron se
Discharge flowing from their rotten ulcers
laut jaati hai udhar ko bhi nazar kyaa kije
Still returns my gaze in that direction, what can be done
ab bhi dilkash hai tera husn magar kya kije
Even now your beauty is tantalizing, but what can be done

aur bhii dukh hain zamaane mein mohabbat ke sivaa
There are other heartaches in the world than those of love
raahaten aur bhi vasl ki raahat ke sivaa
There is happiness other than the joy of union
mujh se pehli si mohabbat meray mehbub na maang
Don't ask me for the love I once gave you, my love

The senses are numbed. The mind is wandering the oft traversed space between sleep and wakefulness. Its been a long time since I summoned courage, more importantly the will to push my body to the limit, to drive my mind such that all desires, all passions become but mere passing thoughts in the continuum of wakeful consciousness. There has been pain, anger, happiness, sadness, frustration and the sweet release of shouting on top of my voice (not to the outside world but to the inner self) that I am alive all in the course of a couple of days. There have been times when I used to think, rather pray to extricate myself from the throngs of monotony. Now, life is running right past my eyes giving me no time to sit, relax and take stock of where I am heading. There is just a continuous unidirectional movement which is dragging me along, like a small fish caught in a strong current in the ocean I am unable to make sense of my destination. Life has been greatful in a lot of ways, yet the long journey and its natural unpredictable course fills me with both amazement and fear at the same time. I am amazed at how things turn out when we are least expecting them and at the same time fear the loss of these possessions which fortune has so kindly bestowed...

Life asks questions at every point and throws these questions right in your face to check if you are daring enough to answer back. These questions are so blunt yet so meaningful. They were simmering somewhere inside me all this while, but I was busy in the world outside trying to run away from them lest they pull me back into the dreamy world of my imagination. This world was my favourite resting place and I was happiest when I found the company of my thoughts. I do not detest fate for it has given me all that I hoped for. But somehow, somewhere I do not feel happy. I thought by overcoming certain thresholds in life, crossing certain hurdles will make me feel happy. But now I find that I am more empty from inside than I ever was. And these silly questions keep coming back to haunt me. The questions that whether what I am doing is right or not. Whether I am doing this just for the sake of it. When I look back at these bygone years am I going to feel proud of myself. Am I going to be able to say to myself that I did the right things in life, that I lived my life the way I wanted to... Honestly speaking I dont know and this pains me. This means that there is something at fault. What irritates me is my inability to find the answer, the solution. Sometimes I feel a voice whispers in my ear a solution but because of these myriad other voices in my head I am unable to hear the voice. Then I think that may be I am hearing the voice but am too coward to acknowledge to myself that I hear it, because then I'll feel even worse. To know what is right and not to do it is some baggage I dont want to carry on my shoulders. But this baggage somehow keeps getting heavier...

There are moments in life when we do not want the time to pass away. When the sweet poison trickles down the spine and paralyzes the whole body leaving the eyes fixed on that very object that is the whole existence there is not much left to be done. I don't know whether the pain of waiting for this state every day overshadows the pain of this state getting over. But that moment freezes in time when she looks back at you looking at her. May be she is thinking that a crazy guy is after her like so many others before him. Maybe he is stupid that he stays happy in just having the privilege to view her, never taking a step forward to start socializing. But the very fact that she is the whole existence to him while he watches her in amazement is not something she appreciates presently. Perhaps she will when he lets her know or may be she never will...

The penultimate term is about to commence but I do not feel the alacrity anymore which was till now associated with beginnings. It is more of a question of going through the motions, wishing it will not be more of a pain than the last term.
Reflecting on my journey so far I think I've learned a lot. I made some really good friends, learned loads from them, lost quite a few, and then made friends with them again. It began as a journey where I thought I had reached my destination but I guess it wasnt to be. The illusion was short lived and the times made me realize that this was just the beginning of my life. Somehow my life has always been a struggle for proving myself. But now I feel that that was all senseless. There is nothing to prove to anybody. People do not understand things the way they feel they do. They think themselves to be wise and this vainglorious wisdom oftimes leads them to false shores of conclusion. The fault with too much of anything lies in making our vision too narrow. We think that whatever we know and our conclusions based on them are the final word. Perhaps there are very simple things in life we still dont know about but too much of wisdom has the quality of making people more confident about themselves than is the safety limit.
Another thing I would take from this place is that nothing is sacrosanct anymore - anybody can falter, so guess this is my goodbye to idol worshipping. We make too much of a hullabaloo over people's abilities. We are all human and bound by the same forces as any other being and are subject to the same follies.
Now that I am nearing graduation I dont know what to make of my life. Whether I would like to spend it like so many generations before me - finding a job, marrying, having kids, turning old or I would like my life to be different. I dont know if it can be different at all, or whether different is good or bad. May be I'll also have wisdom some day, but the fact is that I am not looking forward to it.